another chance

I woke up very early this morning, just getting back from Boulder anxious to see how the east coast has survived the stormy night. I am saddened for those people and at the same time being reminded how in control of us Mother Nature is – we will never be that “smart”; she always has the upper hand. In contrast to the horror that is in the path of Sandy, I have just been amongst the beauty that is Colorado. The snow fall from the day before we arrived was still piled on the ground and the night sky over the Rocky Mountains was transcending. Skip and I were there for a wonderful occasion, Matthew and Andrew’s graduation from Auguste Escoffier, a happy occasion and a beautiful setting; my heart could not have been fuller and more grateful. I did not take one beautiful moment or vision for granted.

 I am writing this morning to try to find the words to pass on this karmic feeling I have, trying to find the words to make your day feel as thin and clear as the Colorado air and as new and pure as the snow that fell from that azure sky.

 Unfortunately, I have had to learn many things the hard way but here on this back side of 50, I so clearly understand that each new day is an invitation to start again and the yesterdays of our lives are lessons and inspirations not bogs to get stuck in. Anything can happen and each new day brings restoration. Even as the lights go out over Manhattan and the subways halt, people will come out of this, the sun will rise, the winds will stop, the water will recede – life also follows that same path, this path of nature, this tide of life. Every day we have another chance to be better, to do better, and to get better.

I don’t think Nature has given us these new days , however, to be self-absorbed consumers that have only the mere purpose of accumulating things, things that take from the natural resources, things that cost us a lot more than money. Instead,  I think nature is giving us these new days to use our resources, our natural resources to do good things for humanity – that must be the higher purpose, the other leaves me feeling so empty and shallow.

I watched a bit of the news last night and there was a piece on a 90 million dollar penthouse on 57^th street in NYC being threatened – all I could think of were the gross amount of resources that one person squandered to build a place to live. I suppose they were ego driven or just because they could. Anyway, there I went on a tangent, a rant – so sorry – that is being judgmental and that is wrong, there could have been a very honorable reason to use that amount of natural resources.This is a lesson I have learned along the way and I wish my footprint had been smaller - I do not mean to cast stones...

Today is fresh faced and scrubbed – I hope you find the miracles that are within and focus on the beauty that is there. I end with a picture of a pumpkin patch that is on the outside of Boulder and filled with pumpkins and families gathering presents from Mother Nature and capturing warm memories for their children – so much more beautiful and vital than an overpriced high rise apartment (had to say it).

 

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looking ahead without falling behind

The moon is somewhat of a sliver tonight and the air is heavy but soon there will be a front that moves in and tomorrow morning will be crisp and fall – like. I look forward to that.

 I felt somewhat discombobbled today. All day I had thoughts going on in my head, words I wanted to put together to tell you something but I was not here. Now, I am here and the words have vaporized. It is so difficult for life to align itself, for everything to be synchronized; components seem to be missing many times. Or are they? Maybe we just don’t see them.

The fronts are struggling to find their way into this delta but change is in the air for certain. The ground is mottled with intensely colored leaves and the woods are tinted with ambers and burgundies, all under an azure sky that darkens suddenly now instead of the slow dimming brilliance of the summer one– Nature is busy preparing this glorious season. It is the last autumn of childhood for me; next fall only Skip and I will remain here in this house, everyone will be far away in school and at work. It is just as it should be but somehow, so challenging a passage for a mother to go through. They were all just upstairs playing or sleeping, rumbling around through childhood, a safe time I thought would never end. Now, it’s a plane ride to see them and a faceless voice when I hear them. They are (wonderfully) grown. Once again, I think of my mother and something she told me. When the twins started Pre –K, I was feeling like this – happy but shadowed by melancholia – and she enlightened me by referencing her own path as mother and told me how she looked forward to each new chapter of our lives. I suppose it is the best way to look at life, to focus on what is up ahead and just use the rear view mirror for an occasional reminder of how wonderful those yesterdays were.

I go forward with that thought and share it with you while I fill my heart with the wonders of yesterday and wait to embrace the gifts of today. And like my mother, I will celebrate each new stage and try to keep my sentiment on the pages of this blog – I so thank you for sharing this place with me and allowing me to get soppy  sometime .

A mother's happiness is like a beacon, lighting up the future but reflected also on the past in the guise of fond memories.
Honore de Balzac

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how do you define success?

 

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someone is watching

October began yesterday, and I, like you, wonder just how much faster time can travel. I do look forward to this month of Halloween, autumn leaves and ripe citrus on the trees but I am a bit concerned about how quickly it all happens. I feel like I was just planting zinnias.

The cloudy sky hid the rising Harvest Moon Saturday night. This is something that makes me a bit sad – it only happens once a year and, like Sally telling Linus, “I missed it!”

I wanted to post something this morning – there is something about early mornings that make me reflective and “writerly”. I can so easily go right to ranting and that is a faux pas with my goals for this blog so then I jump to nature and what is happening with her but then I look deeper and go into my real thoughts – thoughts brought on by October, time, and nature, and decide to tap out a few lines about that confusion of contemplations.

 It seems each time I turn the page into a new month, I take a look back, sometimes way back and sometimes just a bit back. This makes me realize that things in our heads seem better than things in real time. It’s funny how we can shuffle through the muck of our yesterdays and just allow the good stuff to rise, discarding those unpleasantries and discomforts and all those "problems" we had. I feel certain my memories of late Octobers of childhood are far better than the actual time. I love thinking about it though – it is as it should be, these places from yesterday that warm our todays, that wrap their arms around you and make you feel good – what could be wrong there and why do I need to be reminded of those nasty spots in my life anyway – I got the lesson and moved on - done.

 I write a lot about memories, I suppose it looks as though I live in the past but I really do not, I reflect on the past, a lot. It is somewhat of a guide book for me, it is a “learn by example”.It is a gift from people like my parents that keeps on giving. I was blessed with many great teachers in my life – I am not referring to the classroom sort – and those teachers are alive and dwell inside of my head, teaching. I also realize the importance of what I do and how I handle situations in my life because somebody is watching and someone will remember. Our history is a very valuable tool, perhaps our most valuable. There is no way to know what is ahead, so I do look behind and try to prepare, all the while knowing somebody is “watching” and I too, will one day be the “teacher” in someone’s head.

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.

Robert Fulghum

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