done

December 26 takes me back to "normal" and I am so glad to be here. I could live the rest of my life without anymore hyper situations and /or events. First thing this morning, out of my kitchen window, was a little winter bird nibbling on a seed pod at the end of a branch on the Drake Elm - what a lovely and welcome sight.

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less is more

Yesterday I was thinking that while I am very grateful for all the goodness in my life this Christmas I look ahead to next and think of a couple of things to improve. I want to step even farther away back from the commercialism of course – I have done a fairly good job this year and in doing so I have made discoveries – pleasant ones about soulfulness and good will. Secondly, I want $100 to be a lot of money to me. I recently saw the value of money through the eyes of someone I know rather well, a specific amount, a small amount, to me, and it made me realize how, like an addict, the numbers have to be bigger and bigger to have value for me. I suppose this is just a fancy way of saying I want to need less. Besides the health of my family, I think this is my biggest wish for next Christmas. Regardless of how much wealth I may or may not acquire, I want more value in less. I have moved so far from the “things of the world” and I continue to seek and find that wonderful space that is about spirit, sometimes I feel like I just hoover above those foolish things that used to matter and the feeling is, pardon the pun, so uplifting. It is a freedom and sense of calmness that I have worked hard to find and I treasure each time I “get there”. The passing of my parents have catapulted me into this place of immaterial – in seeing all that “mattered” in their lives and then watching the final chapter, I have been able to sort through some of the nonessentials and see what, in the end, endures. I suppose parents never quit teaching their children.

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Contentedness

For a brief period of time today, I felt true peace. It was late in the afternoon just before evening. I had had a good day at work and everyone in my family was good. I sat in the front yard tending a fire and drinking coffee. The woods were quiet except for the scurry of a squirrel and the falling of a few late autumn leaves. I put myself in a place of contentedness, a contentedness that comes from only wanting the simplest of things and in return, I felt at peace. I have written about this place before, this place that has no regard for matters of this world – stuff and competition - when you don’t place value on those things, you set yourself free and you are open to the peacefulness of your spirit – you let go of ego. I love this place. Anyway, I found happiness today drinking coffee and tending a fire on a December day.

solitude

We have to find time to be quiet and alone; that is when and where creativity, spirit, subconscious, alpha, God, takes hold of you – there in the stillness, in the nothingness. It is when and where and how your right brain, your creative self, overcomes your rational left brain and figures things out for you – just be still and listen.Emerson said it best in an essay :

 To go into solitude, a man needs to retire as much from his chamber as from society. I am not solitary whilst I read and write, though nobody is with me. But if a man would be alone, let him look at the stars. The rays that come from those heavenly worlds, will separate between him and what he touches.

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stillness

I walked through the house very early this morning before lights were turned on and the day began. The scattered strands of Christmas lights lite the way and everything was still and I could feel the history there – the babies, the birthday parties , my mom’s little visits, my dad sitting on the kitchen chair, Christmases past, it was all still there in the quietness amongst the twinkling lights.

crosses

 The toxins of this holiday season are getting to be too much, for me. I have cycled 57 Christmases – Christmases where getting a record player from the green stamp store and a 45 in 8^th grade was wonderful to this aberration they are still calling Christmas - yeah we are buying into it – the media wins! On one side we have them telling us 1 in 7 children in America are hungry and on the other they tell us that a diamond or a luxury car is what we have to buy to show we love someone. I don’t really care what people have on their Christmas list, I am just saturated with the emphasis on materialism.   I think in terms of the great art and literature and thinkers of the past and imagine what this focus on money and materialism would have done to their creativity? I’m confused. I’m out.

Anyway…I have been “gone” for a while; I have been painting – a lot. I have a body of new stuff that I am doing and I can’t seem to get enough of it. A small gallery in Lafayette is giving me some space and I am so pleased with this opportunity. Art is a peculiar thing – pure art and artistry have nothing at all to do with money and business, those two entities are actually nemeses, but it is the way we validate ourselves, making a purchase – tough conflict. I am doing “peace” crosses - a throwback from my time in the 60s I suppose.

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happiness

The morning is frosty, and good. It is good because my children are all happy and well. That has become my measuring stick since I have become a mother – my happiness is directly plugged in to their state of being – this is how my life will always be from now until the end. I struggle to even use the word ”happiness” – it is very amorphous and generalized. I am more comfortable using the word content or the phrase, at peace. I can determine where to place the bar on contentedness – I can customize it to fit my outlook and view of all things worldly. As evident in my writing, I am trying, and being pretty successful, at lowering the bar of materialistic/worldly concerns and trying to live my life in spirit. I have, because of this altercation, found myself “at peace” more often than not – I’m not buying into it. I cannot understand how I once lived any other way – I was sucked in by the propaganda that follows us around and tries to penetrate our spirit. It is so freeing to disconnect from that ball and chain but it becomes more difficult to connect with many aspects of society, hence the term, recluse. I am not there yet, but it could happen! I have been blessed with the love of the arts and I look forward to the waning time of tomorrow when I can fill my days with painting and writing and growing my own food – I hope those days will be given to me, I hope to  live in a state of peace. Anyway, the autumn air is chilly here and the season of commercialism is upon us – each year tops the one before. Where does it stop? I hope I have been able to instill in my children the value of developing themselves with challenges and intangibles and not relying on society’s morphed and materialistic measuring stick to tell them who they are.



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Be You

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

Albert Einstein

I wish all of the teachers of the world could read this (and all of the tunnel vision folks too).The  ignorance and shortcoming  lies within the system, a system that is largely composed, but not totally,  of closed minded, limited thinking people, or as my dad would say "stupid" people, people who cannot see past their small, prejudged,  and narrow reference points.I suppose I am sounding prejudice too by saying what I just said but it really bothers me the way society must put everyone in a category - labels are counterproductive. There's my rant for the month!

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corruption

Before our white brothers arrived to make us civilized men,
we didn't have any kind of prison. Because of this, we had no delinquents.
Without a prison, there can be no delinquents.
We had no locks nor keys and therefore among us there were no thieves.
When someone was so poor that he couldn't afford a horse, a tent or a blanket,
he would, in that case, receive it all as a gift.
We were too uncivilized to give great importance to private property.
We didn't know any kind of money and consequently, the value of a human being
was not determined by his wealth.
We had no written laws laid down, no lawyers, no politicians,
therefore we were not able to cheat and swindle one another.
We were really in bad shape before the white men arrived and I don't know
how to explain how we were able to manage without these fundamental things
that (so they tell us) are so necessary for a civilized society.

John (Fire) Lame Deer
Sioux Lakota - 1903-1976

closing doors

The "samples" entry was kind of curious but it was there for a reason - I needed to show these pieces to someone and for me, this was the easiest way. I have left the days of complicated and intense painting and have entered into a pleasant place of funky and fun art - as in these "samples". Life is a journey.
 The days are getting shorter here and my worries are getting longer
(sorry so cheesy); Elizabeth is driving! As many things in life, this event is two sided - one side gives me freedom and the other causes much apprehension. hmmmmm. I am getting better at letting go of these fears - realizing that I can't stop life from doing its thing and that I will get through it because we have to.  I will try to focus more on my freedom and less on the thought of her on the road - alone. Once, I wrote about how much I valued the time she and I spent in the car going from place to place , leaving supper on the stove to run to town for makeup, driving east 20 miles to a friend’s house or west 30 miles for “True Red” lipstick at Sephora – always inconvenient for me but always bonding for us. I was the one to pick her up from school and hear her day fresh off the presses, news that, otherwise, would have been absorbed in the first moments at home – moments gone that I would never have known about. The VW she is driving is where I introduced her to The Beatles and Dylan and she discovered how much she loved Lennon and asked tens of questions about that era that was my childhood – she learned as I relived. Well, here I am on the other side, now I will know much less about the days of this little girl. I will have my coveted “freedom”, but I will not have those intimate moments while driving her from place to place. My mom had such a handle of these transitions, these closing doors – she told me she was never sad about endings, instead she looked forward to the next chapters in our lives. I will take that with me as I close this door.

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changes

Staying flexible in life is definitely a survival skill we should all acquire. Especially if you are a parent and double that if you are a parent of 5. Just saying. There is some analogy about trees that don’t bend won’t last the storm – I find this to be so true. My life is changing just as the season is. Soon things will be different here and I hope the course that has been chosen will be a good one - as we all know, the answers are not in the back of the book, they are at the end of the journey.

Speaking of trees, they are turning here – ever so slightly, but they are. I can’t seem to be outside enough. Everything is changing, even the sounds, especially the birds. I am so satisfied with myself when I can be still enough to notice some of what this planet is doing to prepare for winter – it is a symphony that is lost to many. In the country it is still apparent and it truly sustains me.

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blessings

When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around.
Willie Nelson

goals

Staying focused on a goal is what, I think, sets someone apart – it is what lifts you to a higher place. It seems easy enough to have goals, to speak of them, and to actually do many things towards accomplishing them. The difficult part is “sticking to it”. That’s where most of us fall short. Every now and then someone emerges that has stayed with their goal for the long run and have achieved it. “Stick to – edness.” It seems we become preoccupied with thoughts of what others think – thoughts driven by ego and ego distracts; it is the voice asking,  who doesn’t like this or me, who’s doing more or has more – destructive and superficial thoughts – who cares?  Anyway,"stick to – edness”, that’s what has to happen to achieve goals – perseverance, determination, willpower, and a belief in yourself and your purpose – leave ego at the door. I am not really sure why I just wrote what I did – it just sort of came out. I was reading The Artists’ Way right before bed last night and I suppose some of what it said crept into my subconscious and it manifested itself with these words. I believe that art, true art, is spiritual and because of this belief, I “listen” and I stick to it.

Graphic design student Jonathan Mak Long

 “Having an exciting destination is like setting a needle in your compass. From then on, the compass knows only one point – its ideal. And it will faithfully guide you there through the darkest nights and fiercest storms.”

 Daniel Boone

the flow

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.
Lao Tzu

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purpose

The day begins and I find myself so satisfied. I have continued on this journey I have written of recently – this journey that does not place value in surface glamour and fleeting occurrences and materialism – it places value in the internal me – focus on spirit. I have never felt as free as I do now – it’s like finding the answers in the back of the book. I will say, it is a constant conscious effort, at least at this point in my journey. I do find myself getting caught up in the smallness of things – but I now seem to have the commitment to pull myself away and “get in spirit”. I am not posting this to boast about myself – how worldly is that! – I am posting it to offer it to you and at the same time, reassure myself. There exists so much worldly trauma and stress that it is so easy to fall prey to it. There is so much hype and propaganda and smoke and mirrors and judgementalism and intimidation out there – it’s a wonder we are not all “Prozaced” out. Well, just as I believe Nature has many cures, I believe Spirit can give you peace. I can find it here on this autumn morning, I can cast aside the little worries I may have by holding them up against “the big picture” and understanding that it is not my purpose in life to accumulate things and to raise a star athlete or a corporate mogul or a homecoming queen  – it is my purpose to provide a secure platform to nurture my children to realize their unique and intended purpose and to encourage them to go with it and not just “my” children but anyone I can help. It may be that someone needs to be a star athlete, for instance, but not for reasons of ego, but for a stage to fulfill their true purpose.  Okay I’m getting soppy here, but I just wanted to share this feeling. I’m not sure I did a great job of it, but I will continue to try. It is just so freeing to devalue the materialistic world, to put it in its place. And it does have a place – my relatively new car is great – it starts up immediately and takes me to the grocery store to buy good food for my family and my solidly built house keeps the cold out and offers creature comforts to my family – I am very aware of the comfort the materialistic world can provide, but it needs to be only a tool to achieve my real purpose, not a “trophy” of my efforts.

Now, I do know I have not been challenged with a shattering tragedy – I doubt myself in extreme circumstances – I don’t know if I have that kind of colossal strength. I hope I never find out. I do hope, however,  to be able to navigate the trials and challenges of each day by staying in spirit – always.

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

Albert Einstein



photo by Glenda Sanders Fleshman



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To do

Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time, and always start with the person nearest you.

Mother Teresa

 

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Autumn reminders

I've been “away” for awhile – I have been doing many housekeeping things and painting like a mad man. And while on my journey, autumn has peeked in. It was my mother’s favorite season and is now, Elizabeth’s favorite. I , on the other hand, have never been able to decide favorite anythings – especially favorite colors and seasons – I love them all equally - they are kinda like people, all unique and making their own  contribution.

 I do think a lot about my mom during this season, however. My thoughts are about food and her kitchen and my boys when they were little and in the woods behind her house. Those first cool snaps caused me to dig for funny little hats to cover tender little ears and warm socks and shoes to spend the day outside in - I can still so easily imagine all of that. I know I must have had some “troubles” during those years but it’s funny how time has taken them away and has left behind only the warmth. Time is indeed a healer of all things. I do miss those days, days when you knew that there was someone  there to watch over you and to guide you – it’s a difficult task losing that, at least in the physical sense.These first days of fall are reminders of those  days of long ago – pleasant reminders. It’s important to me to make these days warm places to visit for someone else later, just as my mother did for me.

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9/11

It's 10 years since the World Trade Center attack – 9/11 – as it has become known. There are children amongst us who never knew the world without that “catch phrase”. I suppose it can be compared to my parents’ generation when, then President Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “ Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.”

 Sad how each generation has some date such as that to always remember and associate their youth with. I am happy that so much memorial coverage is being given to the families of 9/11 victims – I can only imagine how huge it is to hear your loved ones name being spoken again, to be remembered is so important. Anyway, just wanted to say what I said and make note that it is indeed a solemn memory for our country, but our free country is still here…

When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.

Jimi Hendrix

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energy

When I was growing up, there was a little saying about it taking more muscles to frown than to smile - I think that may have been  some sort of precursor to the idea of positive energy and affirmations that we speak of now - just a bit more rudimentary. It does take alot of effort to be negative - to think negative thoughts and to feel negatively about yourself and others , to frown. I wonder if I can go through the day, this day, without allowing any negative thoughts in my head and only speaking when I have something good to say, I wonder how fulfilled I would feel by the end of the day. And I wonder if that energy would be tranferable?

Cease all criticism of yourself and others. Accept yourself as you are. Praise yourself as much as you can. Criticism breaks down the inner spirit, praise builds it up.

Louise Hay

elizabeth - 2009

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short trips to Walden

 It’s Not Your Work to Make Anything Happen. It’s Your Work to Dream it and Let it Happen. Law of Attraction Will Make it Happen 

 Abraham Hicks

I’m going with this. I have been painting voraciously lately, It’s like I am possessed and now I have this somewhat large collection of work that needs to “go” somewhere. It’s funky art = fun and colorful, something positive to live with. I have no business sense at all but I do have faith that if I continue to create, someone bigger than me will point me to the right direction. As I posted earlier, it is so freeing to let all of that kind of worldly worry go – afterall, I have the best agent in the world.

I have also pulled out old manuscripts, incomplete ramblings really, and as I read them , I enjoyed my brief departure into the past. These stormy days are so good for that sort of thing – reconnecting with yourself, not allowing the outside world to influence you – sort of like little Walden excursions – a reveal of who you are not who society portrays you. I certainly do miss my physical aptitudes of youth but I do prefer this vantage point of middle age – so many concerns and influences are gone – so much freedom here, so much purity.

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gifts

The rain is making me stay inside and I’m happy about that. I am forced to read and piddle and be quiet. I probably have 4 books started, all non-fiction, never fiction. One of them contains a quote by William Blake that I just read and felt I had to post:

"I myself do nothing. The Holy Spirit accomplishes all through me."

This, as they say, "speaks volumes to me". I wish people that were arrogant and conceited and smug would read this. I suppose it is a pet peeve of mine the way some people feel they are so credible – like they are responsible for things that they have had absolutely no control over. I suppose all of this rancor I speak with comes from my knowing children that are somewhat “disadvantaged”. I put that in quotes because I personally don’t believe they are “disadvantaged”, the people who think so are the ones that are truly disadvantaged because they are ignorant, prejudice, and certainly closed minded. 
 For the most part, we have certain attributes because we are “born that way”. I was born with blue eyes, a very desirable eye color, but can I take credit for that? No – I didn’t lift one feeble finger to get these blue eyes. I know the eye color analogy is a physical trait but I sincerely believe it applies to emotional, artistic, and mental traits also. It’s all about what you do with the blessings you have been given, "given" being the key word. I struggle with this while looking  to find places to give.

you can do it

I’m on a rant I suppose, but I can say what I feel here on the pages of “sketches” because it is my space. Anyway, I love this quote by Blake. I feel so fortunate, so blessed, if you will, that I am a painter. Art has been a part of my life for all of my memory and I cannot imagine life without it. It has gotten deeper and deeper for me – I have traveled beyond what I could have imagined as a young art student. I am not necessarily referring to the “skill” of it but to the metaphysical part of it – to the dimension it takes you. It is what I am supposed to do – I wish that each of us could discover our gifts - they are there, but sometimes the close mindedness of society tries to disallow you to celebrate them.

If you live the life you love, you will receive shelter and blessings. Sometimes the great famine of blessings in and around us derives from the fact that we are not living the life we love; rather, we are living the life that is expected of us. We have fallen out of rhythm with the secret signature and light of our own nature.

John O’Donohue

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growing

I am reading a new book, one recommended by a wonderful artist friend of mine – hmmmm – it is unlike anything I’ve ever read and having an impact on me – something a good book should do. To kinda get off the track here, once, I wrote something in my newspaper column that was “different” from the things I had written before and I was hesitant to go with it here in this small town, so I asked the editor to read and approve it – he went with it and told me that it’s a good thing to put controversy out there – tactfully – it rattles people a bit and causes them to evaluate their own opinions. Well, this book would follow that thinking, for me anyway.

 I have just read the first 2 chapters but I’m captured with the out of the box thinking. I am not making a recommendation until I finish it, but I will say, just the first few pages have given me a healthy perspective on my life and the things that matter. The jest of it is that this material world is quiet incidental and certainly temporal, what matters is the spiritual world. Funny, but just this week end at my aunt’s funeral I had a conversation with someone, much older, who had those same words to speak – explaining his effort to be more spiritual (not making reference to religious) and far less material. I think about the pharaohs and their elaborate efforts to hoard all of their stuff to bring with them in the afterlife – the lives lost, the time spent to satisfy ego – hopefully we’re smarter today.

I find it so freeing to discount the physical world and focus more on spirit. I have little or no control over one and total control over the other. When I reference the material/physical world I don’t mean just materialism, for me, it also encompasses happenings, not just things. It all goes under that umbrella of “what was I worrying about or upset about last month”? Who knows – who cares – it’s temporal and gone. I find more sense in assessing my spiritual growth from last month to this month – how have I contributed, how have I grown more tolerant of others, and patient with myself. Anyway, I hope to make a recommendation of this “mystery” book later, but so far, it’s got my attention.

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Lust for Life

just something from Lust for Life that one of my sons reminded me of - the part about tolerance and easy going acceptance of life... I think it's time for me to open those pages again.

"It's a gorgeous parade, isn't it, Theo?"

"Yes. Paris doesn't really awaken until the aperitif hour."

"I've been trying to think... what is it that makes Paris so marvelous?"

"Frankly, I don't know. It's an eternal mystery. It has something to do with French character, I suppose. There's a pattern of freedom and tolerance here, an easy going acceptance of life that . . . Hello, here's a friend of mine I want you to meet. Good evening, Paul; how are you?"

"Very well, thanks, Theo."

"May I present my brother, Vincent Van Gogh? Vincent, this is Paul Gauguin. Sit down, Paul, and have one of your inevitable absinthes."

Gauguin raised his absinthe, toughed the tip of his tongue to the liqueur and then coated the inside of his mouth with it. He turned to Vincent.

"How do you like Paris, Monsieur Van Gogh?"

"I like it very much.”

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patience

It was a silly thought, no, a simple thought, about something my mother had said years ago – she had a way about interjecting little lessons into everyday conversations without my realizing what she was doing. I must have been listening, perhaps not understanding, but listening because I seem to have a little data base of momisms that surface at the most opportune times. I completely believe that she is orchestrating this for me because once you are someone’s mother, you never quit being that someone’s mother – it’s forever.

Anyway, back to the momism – it was a misty thought about her patience. While she did fun things spontaneously, she held back on making quick moves on important things. She would tell me that she needed time to think about something -  it used to annoy me how patient she could be – I, in my youth, wanted the decision made now, there was no need to “sleep on it” or wait – let’s just do it. Well, as most things she has said, she was right, patience is a virtue – a virtue I work hard to possess - patience with others, patience with myself, but mostly patience with life. Sometimes my ego gets in the way of my spirituality and I get impatient and think things should happen on “my” time – I forget about “God’s time”. I find this especially true when it comes to children – we can quickly map out their lives and make that determination on when they should do all of these things on our list – my mom knew that it didn’t work that way and now I am beginning to understand.

I stumbled upon the "poem" that follows and for whatever reason, this advice to be patient keeps filtering into my life.

When you are in doubt, be still, and wait;

when doubt no longer exists for you, then go forward with courage.

So long as mists envelop you, be still;

be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mists

-- as it surely will.

Then act with courage.

Ponca Chief White Eagle

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Go Forward With Courage

Memories

My aunt died last night, my mother’s older sister. She was 83 and had lived a full life – nearly 20 years more than my mother. I will miss knowing she is “here”. Since my mother’s death, I have not seen my aunt as often as before, but I always knew she was there, there at the top of the familial lineage. She knew the answers to so many questions about long ago, about my mother, about their mother, about the contents of times past; that and she are gone.My mom would tell me how she was a teenager during WWII and how that was very difficult to spend those years of youth in wartime - she remembers her singing in the front bedroom of their tiny house, singing songs from sheet music and wishing things were different. I can remember so much about her life , the wonderful way she cooked fresh fish and baked sweet pies (tarts), and spoke French, and drank coffee in demitasse cups, and was my mom’s big sister, and mother to her four children, but one thing I remember most was her coming to my rescue when I was 39 and expecting a baby. I will not go into the story, but I hope she knows I still remember and am still thankful for her.

 We all have our turn to die, just as we all have our time to live – it’s the living that is important and sometimes difficult, dying will come in its own time. Funny, but just today I read a quote by Emerson posted on the wall above the microwave in the building I work in, it said:

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." ( Ralph Waldo Emerson)

...my aunt  succeeded.

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Enough

"At a party given by a billionaire on Shelter Island, Kurt Vonnegut informs his pal, Joseph Heller, that their host, a hedge fund manager, had made more money in a single day than Heller had earned from his wildly popular novel Catch – 22 over its whole history. Heller responds, “Yes, but I have something he will never have…enough.” (From John Bogel’s Enough).

Just more quotes from this book William is reading. I loved this one because it seems that we, people, always want more, especially when it involves money and possessions.  Why can't we crave more kindness, more spiritualism, more education, more silence, more creativity, more personal development?

 "Materialism can refer either to the simple preoccupation with the material world, as opposed to intellectual or spiritual concepts, or to the theory that physical matter is all there is. This theory is far more than a simple focus on material possessions. It states that everything in the universe is matter, without any true spiritual or intellectual existence. Materialism can also refer to a doctrine that material success and progress are the highest values in life. This doctrine appears to be prevalent in western society today."(Philosophy)

I think I would, we would, feel happiness if we declared, enough.

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Let It Go

“You did then what you knew how to do. And when you knew better, you did better.” 

Maya Angelou

I love this. I love it because it says " we are human"; our parents were human, our friends are human, our children are human and we, for the most part, are all trying to do what we think is "right", but later, because we are human, we realize that maybe what we did wasn't so "right". It says: drop the guilt, let it go, learn from it and move on.You are a good person, but you are not divine - you are not perfect. Anyway, just wanted to "pop in" and post this - I find it to be freeing and very positive and constructive. It sort of runs parrallel with the John Wayne quote from before. It's a shiny new day.

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Ben Franklin and virtue

Ben Franklin began each day with “The Morning Question: “What Good shall I do this day?” and ended with “The Evening Question”: What Good Have I done today?” “(John C. Bogle)

I have read it (thanks to William), now I have written it, and , hopefully, now I will remember it – this is it – this is what true goodness is – getting out of your narcissistic self and doing good for others – everything else is self-serving.

For Goodness Sake

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positive energy

Life comes at you with such urgency – like listen up – I’m here but I’m not staying long, let’s get to business. We are just a blink in time – a whole life filled with extremes only takes a few years and most of those years, you don’t even know what the heck you’re doing!! At 57, I feel like I am just opening my eyes. All of a sudden that broad space of tomorrow has left the foreground and I’m looking through my rearview mirror. I know , now, that each moment of my life is about choices – I choose to be at peace or to be in resistance of the universe and I know, now, that if I choose peace I will be positive and if I choose resistance, I will be negative – so why do so many choose to be negative?

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You

I have been writing “a book” for years now – it’s really a memoir of someone profound in my life – Miss Sue - . I can’t seem to complete it, however. I spent a little time with it this morning, just proofing, and I found this little piece I thought you might like , something you might connect with.

The days are going quickly, for the school year is closing. I can feel summer on my face; I can see the vibrant sunsets late in the day and the puffy white clouds that fill the summer skies and allow me to daydream for just a short while. I am, of course, grown up now and do not seem to notice all those signs of summer as often as I would like, for I am inside much of the day, distracted and waiting for the coolness of the evening and the sounds made after sundown. This sort of exclusion from the natural world was never a part of Miss Sue’s day; she was always in touch with it and guided by it; there were no rumbling of a central unit or clamorous noises from a flat screen. I think of this and I realize my compromise. I sometimes feel disdain towards this direction I have chosen. I should be there in the garden more and in the woods helping fallen birds and finding berries and watching Nature close up each day. I regret that I strayed yet thankful to, at least,  have the memories. The memories are sometimes what sustain me, “me” being my identity, for I, of course, have sustenance for life; it is the metaphysical “me” that sometimes gets lost. My life is rich, made that way by having my family, but as every wife and mother knows, somewhere some time ago, there was just  “you”. I search for her here at this keyboard and when I find her, I write, for here at the keyboard, I control my life and I find my way back. I hope that each word brings you closer to what I want you to know. Some days, like today, the words flow as if directed and some days they are tangled up and knotted and  I get stuck in the here and now , not allowed in my past because of the superfluous clutter of now. Today, however, I am free from current events and I hope to spend time with Miss Sue and her world.

Miss Sue's house painted by me when I was 15 (not so great but you can "get the picture"!

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John Wayne

It’s Monday, the beginning of the work week. I love my new job, inspiring and teaching young artists, but, as I said, it’s Monday. I am leaving many things undone here as I get to work by 8, but on the positive side, I have had a full and productive weekend. I painted mostly. As a matter of fact, when I have the time, I plan to post the painting I did yesterday on my blog – there’s a story to tell about it. The big thing I did this weekend was church – Elizabeth and I went to mass – the mission continues. I don’t feel I am a “lost soul” – I have an awesome relationship with God and I am most always spiritually connected, it’s the doctrine that is causing the disconnect.  We’ll see…It’s a journey for me.

Speaking of spiritualism, my dad’s favorite big screen guy was John Wayne – Big John. Elizabeth was searching the internet for quotes for her history class and left behind one she had printed but decided not to use. She has no idea who John Wayne is but for whatever reason, she left this behind on my desk:

“Tomorrow is the most important thing in your life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It’s perfect when it arrives and puts itself in our hands. It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday.”

Thanks Dad.

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Driving

I have spent most of my summer vacation “driving Miss Elizabeth” around. We went to voice lessons, ballet classes, shopping, visiting, junking, touring, we went everywhere. It seems each day was something – maybe it was just a quick run to Walgreens for “Red –y” nail polish or maybe it was an all dayer to Magazine in New Orleans, whatever it was, I was the driver and she was the passenger. Well, I have always been a stay at home kind of person and she is too, but at 16, her stay at home and my stay at home concept are a bit different – there were many times I turned on that ignition with much reluctance and dread. Now, here in mid-august, I realize how much I will miss these days of “driving Miss Elizabeth”. She will be driving herself by the end of October. I won’t be in the car with her anymore, I won’t be the one she talks to and sings to; I’ll be home and she’ll be gone. I look back at all of the little nooks and crannies of her life that I discovered while driving her around – I know her favorite songs (they are now my favorite songs ), I know who she saw at the movies and how she liked it – I know what movie she saw! – I know what she’s wearing and how she’s feeling because of all that driving we do. I capture her life the instant it happens; I have a front row seat there beneath the steering wheel. I have to believe that she is wrapped up tight enough to me, to her core, that even though she stretches out to distant places, she will spring back to her center now and then and I will always be there.

Another chapter will soon close and while I look forward to my “freedom”, I will miss those “transient” moments “driving Miss Elizabeth”.

my little dress (my grandmother made) and elizabeth's favorite hat (when she was about 3)  hanging out together - awwww!

holding tight

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umbrellas and mothers

It was an eerie dream – pieces of my past all tumbled together ending with me standing in the rain trying to get my daughter where she needed to be.

The symbolism here is uncanny – me, spending much of my life holding “umbrellas” over my children, stepping in puddles and trying to avoid downpours all the while trying to point them towards the light, to a place where they belong and are flooded in sunshine. I, and all of the moms I know, do this, we “stand out in the rain” and are relentless warriors when our kids are involved. We never stop, no matter how many tears are spilled, disappointments are dealt, frustrations and discouragements converge and sometimes slow us down, but never stop us, only our last breath can do that - my mother told me this when my first child was born: "From the time he takes his first breath until you take your last, he will never leave your mind".

The moment in the dream was so intense – just a feeling more than a situation. I’m not sure what God was revealing to me – I don’t think it was anything specific but I think it was more of a flash of sustenance and support – telling me that I needed to keep the umbrella handy and that it was my purpose to protect them , to guide them, no matter how big the storm or how powerful the resistance – I knew best, I have the “umbrella” and tired as I might be or doubtful as I must feel, I open it each day because I know each day a little rain will fall somewhere. There will be a voice within me, sometimes whispering ever so faintly, but if I am still and am in spirit, I will hear it – this I am sure of. Well, that is the essence of my dream and this is the manifestation of its message. Thankfully, the sun is shining as I write this but my umbrella is there by the back door.

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work

off to work - good bye summer...my positive self reminds me of how fortunate I am to be able to do what I do (my negative self whispers "I wish i could just stay home to piddle and paint"). and so begins school year 2011 - 12.

Cree Prophecy

When all the trees have been cut down,

when all the animals have been hunted,

when all the waters are polluted,

when all the air is unsafe to breathe,

only then will you discover you cannot eat money.

Cree Prophecy

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The Rising Sun

And still another day before me…it’s mine to do with whatever I choose. I had a terrifying experience yesterday so today seems all the more glorious. I am a bit of a hypochondriac – I’ll admit to this – especially when it comes to my kids – but I had noticed a suspicious mole on my back recently (I am the generation of baby oil and iodine tanning) and it had started to itch. Well, of course I “goggled” it and wouldn’t you know –an itchy mole can be a symptom of melanoma. Anyway, I had about buried myself by noon. My doctor worked me in at 2 and said not to worry (although I do now have recommendation to see a dermatologist for a checkup). Those few hours were so dark for me. I have no fear of death, at least I don’t think I do,( I am certain there is something wonderful on the otherside) but I have unbearable sadness when I think of leaving Elizabeth before she is grown, before she has her own life. I thought of my boys and how badly I want to know where their lives are taking them– they, the 5 of them, are what make my mortality so objectionable.

I know I am being overdramatic but that’s the nature of me – oversensitive and a bit too imaginative at times. So, I am here on this bright sunshiny day once again and I am even more aware of my life and pledge to take even better care of my health. My doctor recommended I read “the Paleo Diet” – I have it on order – a diet based on pre agricultural eating habits – hunting and gathering sort of stuff. I know I cannot be orthodox about it, but I will absorb and implement some of it.

Speaking of food, I have done a few things I wished I’d done differently with my children, as all mothers have, but I have done three things I am really happy about – they all have an awareness and  appreciation of the arts, whole foods, and spirit. For me, that is so important – three essentials in life - art, food, and goodness. I am very thankful – the rest is lagniappe.

 As I reread for grammar check, I hope I am not sounding like I am bragging about my children and my life – I hope I have the ability to project happiness and thankfulness, not arrogance and vanity, within the confines of this entry – for those qualities are distasteful to me. My life is “my life” made especially for me and I am thankful and I know it is not some random scattering from the universe – it is all in alignment, just as it should be. I am so thankful to have yet another day to explore and to celebrate this gift that expires in 24 hours.

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